A Break

Hmm finally i will away from this blog for some time....moving to a new house...have to get a new net connection first...will try to make it faster....and finally i will have my own room (after half a lifetime's wait....) where i can peacefully blog....hopefully!!!.

just a day….a lil less caffeine in future….a lil more saline in present…

I am almost hopelessly completely depressed now i guess….
Its like something you tell yourself you beleive in and then it crashes down ….or may be its not even like that….It may be something you know will crash and break and yet after knowing it all you dont like to beleive it….you wish all kind of stupidities.
Yesterday went through like a breeze but when i settled down at at the end of the day it was like a tiring heartbreak…….
Two people with whom i probably spent the best part of last year left office and i could not even see them off…all the while all those new joinees were like one doubt come here…come here….wanted to like tell all of em to got hell….but well…..thats how things are…its no ones fault and yet…its strangely upsetting.
Probably thats what friendship is in a way.
They arent the kind of people i’d relate to much ….very childish girls very lively…very brilliant.I am not the kind of person they normally would relate to(books poetry…philosophy…no way) and if as real person knew me would cater to much but yet we somehow became friends brought together by fate and we went on ignoring in each other or even worse simply refusing to see anything beyond what we liked.
I never really understand people i have as friends except may be a few (with whom i dont have the good times these days but share the worse times by cribbing to them)….what they see in me or what i see in them sometimes….except for the fact that we have a good time together.
Probably thats the problem with judging people in entirety……you risk your own opinions…your own judgements.
Then theres this other thing… you so wish to meet what you left by…of memories which you simply go an sweeting more than they ever were and then one day if you ever face then again you realise the illusion was so much better .But i guess in my case i wanted to get rid of all illusions in life and whats happening is all for the best.
Yes i very much wished this somewhere in life so that i can move on….if theres nothing better left then so be it …at least i stop beleiving that the past will come back.There is always this wish i guess in people who leave the place they grow up in childhood to have that world back…beleving it lasts.But the world moves by…even if the place lasts the people do not remain the same but then do we ourselves remain the same…..People dont change ….not at the core i always tell myself…..but do they or rather is it like that people stop being themselves and take on a new persona…they dont change ….may be they just die….not physically but sort of killed of by the world…some become cynical like me..some become hopeless..some become wastrels…some become very successful….but what years ago made then so very special is lost.
and you dont really know them.It is then that you may wish that it stop…….this whole deconstruction of the past…..by the present.When the past comes to present and cannot live upto you the illusion, then one starts hoping it stops ruining the delicate beauty of the past.
I think this is the greatest risk of meeting old friends and acquaintances…….and yet we seek them out everywhere we can on cycberspace ….. in real world.And yet when we do sometimes it ruins al those memories…those beleifs that carried you through this turbulent present.
You look back at people from days gone by and wish that comes back but in the end when they do you realise what has gone back will never come back.This week probably drove that into me more firmly than anything.But it dissapoints
such shining hopessuch sudden twists frombright to dark………..with the faintest sleight of handthe alteration of all of life’s schemesand all its scope..all with one tiny turnof life’s KALEIDOSCOPE.Why do some of the best people lose to life…to this world…but they do and while it kind of
breaks your heart to see it…somewhere it tells you again that past is no promise of a future….what is there is all the present.
When i look back at my past i realise there is only one lesson ive learnt in my life….i’ve questioned and fought against most other wisdoms propagated.
What is there is Today…..What will be there is yesterday….What one better not bother with is Tommorow…and yet its hard when you are surrounded by people who talk abou planning…projects…..decisions…..life .
I keep repeating to myself…..“Smile coz it happenedDont cry that it ended”………….But then i my usual way i cant help it…i smiled when it happened…i cry when it ended.
I’ll get used to it…..i have a habit of getting used to anything as much as i hate it.
Both of them were going on with such bright hopes to a new place and it hurts sometimes when you know that just as others failed in what you hoped for them…..you you too fail others in their visons.
V and P were like looking at me and R…saying you stupid two ….We four joined together …if you two too had gotten another job…we’d have all left together…. what a classic statement it would have been.
The only positive part in this………..i’ll be drinking less caffeine …as no one is gonna drag me away to heated sh…sh….coffee room discussions.