I did try to write a few things since last month - since typing on the PC was not working i tried writing it down.In fact when Saurav announced his retirement I almost scribbled 4 pages but as was not in a mood to type it.

And now I just dont feel in a mood to type what was scribbled.
My last post was about seasons changing in a very general perspective.
But now since then so much has changed irrevocably in this world.
There will be more dawns,
more flowers will bloom but what moved on will never be back.
There's my favorite words from that beautiful song - Zindagi ke Safar me guzar jaate hai jo mukaam vo fir nahi aate(The destinations that you pass by in the journey of life will never pass you by again)
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Phool Khilte hai(Flowers do bloom)
Log Milte Hai (One does meet people)

Magar Jo phool patjhad me murjha jaate hai
Vo baharaon ke aane se khilte nahi(But the flowers that wither in fall do not bloom when spring arrives)

kuch log ek roz jo bichad jaate hai
vo hazaaron ke aane se milte nahin(Some people from whom we seperated are not found even by meeting hundreds of people )
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So much has changed with nothing changing on the surface.
Somewhere far there's euphoria over a new President elect who people believe will bring in change.
The problem with such euphoric changes always is what change is not exactly anyone wants to think about.
You want to numb the pain and any thing like tranquilizer is good.

But nearer home and nearer to heart is a much smaller change the loss of our very own tranquilizers I guess.
It was a strange feeling this whole australia series.
All the time thinking more of the past series I was.Its taking some time to sink in.

No Sourav to watch any more...Kumble wont be around...
And people are after Dravid now and he being in the form that he is if one thinks by the head he better go with respect.
He has done a lot good and it would be sad to see him have to be thrown out without grace.
But when you think from the heart you just want it to last just a wee bit longer.May be till another abroad series.

Of course the last cut whenever that comes would be the hardest and its kind of a dread.
Cricket for my generation at least for me will never be the same without the Fab Four and esp the most special of them Sachin Tendulkar.

I dont like to write much on it because of huge nostalgia and stupid sentiment involved here.
Watching his cricket was the brightest light in my darkest days.

The Team photographs watching them together for may be the last time reminded me of my collectibles from college.
One being the Outlook magazine with the cover of the three of them as the Trinity.(I must have wallowed on this previously too in my blog)
I still look at it and think over the huge turbulences that happened esp since Chappell stepped in to scatter them , but it was so heart warming to see them all together at their felitications.

There seems to be a philosoper's calm descended upon me or may be i just am acting it to myself
to prevent looking back.Change does that to you at times.

Will still watch cricket after Sachin too signs off but it will just be a nice game.
There wont have tears anymore for a loss or for a wicket or a crazy joy within. Just pure fun.
There wont be any need to hate Mom for switching off the TV late in the night that is if i stay up till late.
Ironically she never does that now but then can I tell her its too late for the compromise or nicety or whatever.

May be there will be better players somewhere down the line lets see but I doubt if anyone can arouse the emotional attachment.

As Oscar Wilde put it
"The soul is born old but grows young. That is the comedy of life.
And the body is born young and grows old. That is life's tragedy."

Our era is pretty much over.....the generation signified by the Fab Four in cricket - Shahrukh /Aamir and a few in Cinema - a time of optimism - open economy - where being a world citizen was the buzzword.

Now there's change - Dhoni - Abhishek/Ranbir kapoor etc and way too many - aggresiveness is a mantra - protectionist economies - and localite populism to the core is the keyword.

Not that I dislike so many of the current . I enjoy them but just that they fail to have much of any original identity beyond being young and upcoming or leave any lasting impresssion except may be Dhoni for his unflappable calm if nothing else.
You look at Sreesanth and almost feel like supporting the opposition at times and thats the terrible thing.

In mainstream Cinema almost every heroine looks the same and heroes are trying to also fit into the same mould.
Of course the offbeat movies now are quite a joy compared to what was available before.

"In a crazy world, it's only your insanity that will keep you sane" -=-Leo Buscaglia.

So Right now I am getting nostalgic being immersed in reading all articles on net and news and stuff on TV about them just like I used to before I had a real job and all and a future to work for.
The future anyhow wont be coming soon anyways so I let it hang in suspension and spend time looking up the tributes all around from equally stupid people(who make me feel so sane) who even in such a state pen emotions so beautifully . I empathize and even sympathize.One awesome piece is here on cricinfo.
There is only 1 time that i ever failed in my board exams and
I did nor care much about it that day as India had won then - so states my diary - Ah my life.

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I also got a scanner at home so I finally somehow decided to destroy my juvenile chronological personal diary.
Its presence caused useless trouble of misinterpretations at home once which makes me empathize with
Ekta Kapoor's storylines of misunderstandings so I did not want it.
You open it , read the hurt the pain and you see how ultra sensitive you were in a practical world.
So yes when I look at it I know I have grown up - becoming the cynical realist if nothing else.
Though one must say juvenile poetry is horrible to look back on.

So much of the writing is self focused. Someone said that - I said this - and then the quarrels the environment - the fears.
My blog now kind of like radiates my thoughts about others from me.
My diary was more like how the world around me and everyone's actions radiated themself in to hurt me.
I can only laugh at how long its been since I believe that I as a story should have been done with by now - by the creator.
But the best part of it is - It shows my descent into agnostic behavior from a beleiver.

My dark future imagination actually has remained mostly intact from my diary days to my blog days except when I write of books.
I always seem to start with some tragedy of mine except when there was a India win or Sachin century.
None of my fears were baseless or unfounded just that I have always underestimated my resilience once I have lived and cried over them and overestimated their ability to finish me up.
So yeah I am quite a survivor till now though where this journey ends will decide if its any worth - this survival.