Brand of unhappiness

Its been so long i guess since i wrote...but them i feel i repeat myself and just coz
life repeats itself seems no good reason that i repeat myself here.
Life has gone from just one damn thing after the another to one damn thing over and over....
Almost everything i seem to do in the past few days seems to turn out badly.Well it happens a lot with me in general a lot but last week it happened a bit too much enough to be reminded of it in a special way.

I bought my new Phone a camphone 6670 but somehow after a struggling day i cud not find the color i wanted and then i compromised and then again somehow i just was not happy with it.Can't pin point and type ...many things i guess...just i was not happy.
Like why the heck does it need a key code if u want autolock....and it somehow after a 15 min conversation was warm enough to put me off....which was my basic reason to switch phones.

The way things are going i am living up to follow the following quote

"Happiness is always a by-product. It is probably a matter of temperament, and for anything I know it may be glandular. But it is not something that can be demanded from life, and if you are not happy you had better stop worrying about it and see what treasures you can pluck from your own brand of unhappiness. ~Robertson Davies"

Well i am searching for those treasures in my brand of unhappiness coz i for one am fed up of this search for happiness.Some flaw in my temperament i guess which is unrepairable and my surroundings....which i can't demand to be changed.

Friends at office say i've lost the smile on my face since the day i took charge for a bunch of ppl(they are nice and blunt enough to say that its a false formality smile when i smile wide at their comments)....well if only i could tell that thats just a miniscule part of my unhappiness.

A State of unaffectedness

Its become a state of continuity in my mind , the state of complete unaffectedness..Its hard to understand or rather relate when i ponder about myself.I who could be affected by every small word voice, happening seem to be unaffected by none now.

Its like a sense of indifference has settled on the heart.Earlier everything seemed to affect a hope , a future i had a vision of....dreams you d believed would turn true. Its like nothing matters any more..Nothing in reality...who cares ,what happens...everything can be dealt with...there’s nothing left to lose that i can lose or i believe will lose....nothing that matters to the heart at least.

There are still somethings i hold dear but still i’ve nothing to fear...as they cant be touched...memories, visions ...unlived dreams.

I have no illusions left about this world but then it has become like one of those quotes...by who else by ultimate favorite in quotes respect keeping Oscar wilde aside.....Mark twain

“Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone, you may still exist, but you have ceased to live. ”

They are gone now and the mind seems so unbothered about anything... now that the heart seems to be no longer the trouble it used to raise for the mind ....about everything in life.